Keeping Money at Arm’s Length: The Avoidant Attachment Style Explained
Money attachments influence every behavior and decision we make relating to money. Understanding your unique attachment type and how to work with it can drastically improve your financial situation, as it did mine. The four types of attachments are:
- Anxious
- Avoidant - See below
- Disorganized
- Secure
Avoidant Money Attachment
This may be your attachment type if you:
- Allow mail - especially from creditors - to sit unopened for extended periods
- Pay late fees and interest charges regularly
- Fail to negotiate salary increases in your career
- Avoid budgeting and/or investing
- Hide purchases from your partner
- Let the check linger on the table at restaurants
- Sacrifice your own financial well-being for others' comfort
What's going on? This person wants to be independent and avoid asking others for help, but because they aren’t confident with money, they hold on to it too tightly and end up hurting themselves.
Avoiding finances is problematic, not only because it results in increased debt, stress, and conflict with partners but - as seen often in my personal practice - it sends the individual into a shame spiral, eroding their well-being.
What to do about it:
- Gradual Exposure: Set a timer for five minutes to review your bank account or open bills. This builds up tolerance and reduces overwhelm.
- Write It Out: Document and rehearse what you'd say during a financial negotiation (e.g. requesting a raise). This regulates your nervous system to the idea of advocating for yourself, preparing you for the real event.
- Practice Emotional Awareness: Practice daily mindfulness techniques like journaling to identify patterns (i.e. not opening bills) and their emotional triggers.
- Automate: Set up automatic bill payment - including credit cards - to avoid paying late fees or interest, where possible.
- Professional Support: If this feels like more than you can handle, consider working with a professional to address deeper patterns.
