Will You Be My Financial Valentine?

Americans would rather walk barefoot across LEGOs than discuss money with their partner. Why is that? 

In my practice, couples often avoid discussing finances altogether or do so, but contentiously. Sometimes one person volunteers as ‘money manager’; this approach can lead to resentment from the added responsibility put on them, as well as confusion on the other person’s part due to not possessing basic account information like logins or due dates. Other times finances are kept separate, an approach that can lead to mistrust due to the perceived lack of transparency. 

What if I told you there was a better way?

Once my partner and I committed to aligning our financial goals and having transparent money conversations, we paid off $500k in debt.

We’re now able to travel, renovate, you name it… because we’re on the same page with where we’re going. I want that for you, too.

Holding intentional, structured money conversations will positively change the trajectory of your relationship. Even in instances where a ‘saver’ is with a ‘spender’ (very common), empathetic and honest money discussions can help mitigate existing resentment over imbalances in earning, spending, & debt, thereby improving the quality of the relationship. 

Here are 10 ways to begin:

1. ❣️ Establish a “money date” 1x/month minimum.
   
   
2. 🎴 Games like this can help ease into the conversation; Paraphrase your partner’s concerns to demonstrate understanding.
   
   
3. 💵 Build transparency gradually – share one financial detail (e.g., credit score, student loan balance).
   
   
4. 🗣️ Use “I” statements to express feelings without blame. Ex: “I feel anxious about our savings and want us to plan together.” 
   
   
5. 👀 Focus on shared goals to align priorities (e.g., saving for car, debt payoff).
   
   
6. 📱 Use joint expense-tracking apps (e.g., Monarch) to create visibility without full account merging.
   
   
7. 🧪 Suggest money experiments with time limits like: “Can we allocate 3% of our income to ‘fun money’ for 3 months and see how it goes?“
   
   
8. ☕ Use neutral settings (e.g., walks, coffee shops) for conversations to reduce tension; use alcohol at your discretion 😉
   
   
9. 📝 Develop a structured communication tool like a template containing buckets for income/expense updates, goal progress, upcoming expenses, and concerns / new ideas.
   
   
10. 📊 Use visual aidsto track progress. Don’t underestimate the power of old-fashioned coloring; we paid off our home using this tactic!

The key is how you communicate with one another. When handled with empathy and intention, these discussions will act as relational glue.

❗Disclaimer: This article is intended for those in emotionally healthy relationships. If you recognize any forms of financial control in your relationship, reach out for specialized assistance. Support is available to help you navigate this difficult situation and regain your financial independence.